


begin & end there

by sharkfish



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Catfishing, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Online Relationship, Oral Sex, Phone Sex, Sad Boy Castiel, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-25 22:06:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17129594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkfish/pseuds/sharkfish
Summary: Dean:You’re not who you say you areCas has always known it might come to this — Dean knowing the pathetic reality of him — and he always knew whatever they were doing couldn’t last. Eventually Dean would see through his excuses. Eventually he would meet someone like James: handsome, successful, confident. Someone that deserves Dean’s attention.





	begin & end there

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to [suckerfordeansfreckles](http://suckerfordeansfreckles.tumblr.com) and [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com).

The worst moment in Cas’s life is when Dean Winchester walks into the diner. 

Dean tells Cas — tells  _ James  _ — all about his Sunday morning breakfast dates with Charlie. She’s just as adorable and excitable as Dean said the first time he described her, but Dean shocks him. Pictures and phone calls could never show the easy way Dean fits inside his body. The way a smile blooms on his mouth. He’s so beautiful that Cas can’t breathe. 

Meg seats them, but she catches Cas watching on her way back to the kitchen and bumps him with her hip. “Black coffee for the hot dude, orange juice for the hot chick. Enjoy.” 

“No, you take it,” Cas says. “I bet they’re good tippers.” 

Cas knows Dean is a good tipper, because at some point they talked about it, how much Dean respects people in service work because he only lasted a week at IHOP when he was a teenager. 

“Nope. Taking a smoke break,” Meg says, and vanishes. 

Cas gets an orange juice with shaking hands, grabs one of the coffee carafes and a mug. 

He sets the cups down and fills Dean’s coffee without looking at him. “Hey,” Dean says. “Are you new? Haven’t seen you before.” 

Cas looks up and Dean smiles in a way that makes him flush. He swallows and says, “Yes, I’m — I’m new.” 

Charlie kicks Dean in the shin and he glares at her. She grins and says, “We want pancakes, potatoes, bacon, eggs scrambled for me and over easy for him.” 

Cas knew that. He knows almost everything about Dean, and he thinks Dean is pulling out his phone to check for or send a text to James. It makes his heart ache. They could be sitting next to each other instead of Dean not even recognizing him. 

Cas checks his phone before even putting the order in. 

**Dean:** Have I told you how cute this breakfast place is? I want to bring you sometime

**James:** Pancakes today? 

**Dean:** Pancakes EVERY day    
**Dean:** Charlie’s already giving me a stink eye about texting you while I’m with her 

**James:** You and I can talk later. Have a good breakfast :) 

 

They come back the following weekend. Dean looks tired and he looks beautiful. His smile is weary, but he does have a smile for Cas.  _ I dunno,  _ he wrote once.  _ I just like to make people smile.  _

Cas remembers him saying it, so he smiles back, as awkward as it may be. He thinks Dean’s eyes soften a little. 

“Same as last time?” Cas says. “Pancakes, bacon, eggs, potatoes.” 

“Over easy for me and scrambled for the lady,” Dean says. 

“Coffee and orange juice?” 

“Yup.” 

Cas stares creepily from the kitchen while they eat. 

**Dean:** Can I call you later?    
**Dean:** I know it’s stupid to say but I kinda miss you 

**James:** Of course. When? I’m just studying today. 

**Dean:** You’re so fucking smart and I’m so proud of you    
**Dean:** Before bed. 9ish? 

**James:** Talk to you then. 

**Dean:** I’m going to tell you all the things I can’t wait to do to you 

Cas blushes every time he approaches Dean’s table. 

 

“Hey, baby,” Dean says when he answers the phone. 

Cas closes his eyes, steels himself, does his best to lighten his voice to smooth and charming, without hesitation. “Hi, sweetheart.” 

Dean laughs. “You’re gross. How are you? Did you finish your paper?” 

“Ah,” Cas says. “Almost.” 

“I’m hanging up so you can finish.” 

“No, no!” Cas squeezes his phone like he can stop Dean. “It won’t take long. You and I have a date.” 

Dean sighs, wistfully. “I wish it were a real one. Or, I wish it was the part after where I get to take you to bed and kiss you.” 

Cas bites his lip. He knew this is where it was headed tonight, but they’ve only done it a few times and it’s a little overwhelming. “Are you in bed?” 

“Yeah. Are you?” 

“Yes. You just want to kiss me?” 

“No,” Dean whispers. “I want to suck your cock, too.” 

Cas’s breath catches. “I bet you have a gorgeous mouth.” 

“God,” Dean says, and he makes a soft noise that makes Cas think he’s wrapped his hand around his cock. “I think about it all the time. What you’d feel like.” 

“How do you like to do it?” 

“Jesus, James,” Dean gasps. 

“I could hold you still and fuck your mouth. Would you like that?” 

Cas is rewarded with a whine on the other end of the line. He was pretty sure after last time that Dean wants a certain kind of touch from him — Dean wants to be dominated, taken — but he probably won’t ever say it. 

“Oh, sweet boy,” Cas murmurs. It sounds more like his regular voice, but he knows Dean won’t notice. 

“I want you,” Dean says in between panting breaths, “so fucking bad.” 

Cas squirms out of his sweatpants and strokes his cock with a tighter fist. “I want you, too. I can’t wait to feel you for real.” 

Cas has committed to memory what Dean sounds like right before he comes, and there it is: breathy moans interspersed with curses. “James, James —” he says, and gasps through an orgasm. 

“Good boy,” Cas says. It makes his stomach tingle and then go pleasantly numb when Dean whimpers. “I’m close.” 

“Yeah, baby,” Dean says, voice rough. “Wanna taste you.” 

Cas comes, and then they lay there breathing at each other, and then Dean laughs. “God, phone sex with you is as good as real sex with other people.” 

Cas’s heart clenches cold. “Thanks.” 

“Wait, I meant — I haven’t been with anyone,” Dean says. “Since, you know. Me and you. If you were wondering.” 

“Really?” 

“It’s fine if you have,” Dean says. “It’s not like — we’re not in some sort of exclusive relationship, I’m not an idiot, but —” 

“I haven’t been with anyone since you and me, either,” Cas says, and it’s true, but it’s also a lie because he hasn’t been with anyone, ever. 

Dean lets out a relieved breath, and Cas can hear the smile in his voice. “Good. I’m sure everyone in your classes are trying to bang you all the time.” 

“Three of them, at least,” Cas says. 

“Can’t blame ‘em because you’re hot as hell, but I’m a little jealous.” 

“As someone hard on the eyes, you should be.” 

Dean fake-gasps, scandalized. “You don’t think I’m pretty, James?” 

“You know you’re perfect.” 

Dean goes quiet, and then he says, “I saved up some money, and I want to come visit you.” 

Cas closes his eyes and fumbles for an excuse. “Dean —” 

“I know,” Dean says. “But seriously — I swear, we can just have dinner or something, I just want to be with you for a few hours, you know?” 

Cas snorts. “You’re going to fly across the country for dinner?” 

“With you, yeah.” 

“You know I want to, but I just can’t right now. I’ll have more time next semester —” 

Cas almost hates Dean for never calling him on this, even after how many times he’s said it. Dean just sighs and says, “Ok. Next semester then.” 

“Perhaps I’ll come to you.” 

“I’d buy your ticket.” 

“That’s not necessary,” Cas says. 

“I can’t wait to kiss you. Just — hug you, even,” Dean says. “Don’t tell anyone I’m such a sap.” 

“I won’t,” Cas says, his heart fluttering despite himself. “I’m keeping you all to myself.” 

 

Cas has worked at worse restaurants, but they’ve all blurred together all the way back to his first job as a teenager. There’s a certain kind of hell-is-in-the-repetition as a server. The early mornings rolling silverware, the same food over and over. People start to look the same, too. Days come and go, but the only one different than the others is Sunday mornings when Dean comes in. 

Dean, who once drunk-texted Cas —  _ James  _ — that he’s in love with him. He probably didn’t mean it anyway, but it’s the reason that Cas’s entire body feels dunked in cold water when Dean’s in sight. 

Cas has to stop doing this to him. 

He’s not stupid. He knows it’s cruel. He knows whatever “James” has with Dean is a house of cards built on a bed full of lies. Cas loves to hear Dean’s voice but hates phone calls because it doesn’t leave him enough time to make sure he’s still in the realm of the fantasy, not mixing up his stories.

Watching Dean smile and laugh with Charlie, Cas knows he has to end it now.

 

Cas is a coward and still hasn’t done it days later, but he isn’t coward enough to wait to see Dean again in the flesh to do it. He spends a long time drafting the text, and settles with: 

**James:** Dean, we’ve come to know each other very well and I think you know you’ve been an important part of my life the last couple of years. I care for you deeply, and at one time I hoped there would be more between us, but I think it’s time that we both move on. 

**Dean:** This is a joke right? 

**James:** I’m sorry. It’s not a joke. 

**Dean:** What did I do wrong? 

**James:** Nothing. It’s just silly to wait for each other forever. 

A tear drips down Cas’s nose and lands on the screen of his phone right when it lights up with an incoming call. His hands are shaking and he hits decline. 

**Dean:** James, please. I get it, I went too far. I won’t do it again   
**Dean:** We can be friends, I won’t be weird

**James:** Goodbye, Dean. 

 

Sunday, Dean and Charlie sit in a booth in Meg’s section. She offers it to Cas, but he shakes his head to watch from the kitchen instead. Charlie and Dean whisper to each other, passing their phones back and forth, even after their food arrives. 

“He asked about you,” Meg says. “Go play bus boy.”

Cas is headed towards their table to clean up the empty plates when his phone dings. He forgot to turn the ringer off before his shift.

Ding. 

Ding. 

Dean looks up, his fingers on his keyboard. He clicks a couple buttons without looking. 

Ding. 

“Someone’s blowing you up,” Charlie says, staring at him. 

Dean had blown up his phone the night before, too, his texts rife with drunken typos, but Cas hadn’t heard from him yet this morning. 

“Yeah,” Dean says, the line of his mouth angry and unyielding. Cas’s fingers twitch. “You just break up with someone?” 

“Ah, no,” Cas says, blushing. 

Dean’s fingers move. Cas’s phone dings. “Better look,” Dean says. Cas has no idea what the tone of his voice means. “Someone’s getting awful clingy.” 

Cas pulls his phone out of his pocket. 

**Dean:** I’m sorry about last night. I’m letting it go. You can block my number

A little bit later, right around the time they came in the diner: 

**Dean:** You’re not who you say you are

**Dean:** D   
**Dean:** Dd   
**Dean:** Xl   
**Dean:** S

Dean is staring at him. Cas’s chest tightens.  _ This  _ is the worst moment of his life. 

“What the fuck?” Dean says. “Jesus Christ, are you serious?” He squints at Cas’s name tag.  _ “Cas?”  _

The hard edge of his voice has a couple other customers looking their way. “I’m sorry,” Cas says, barely a whisper, then turns and rushes back to the kitchen. “I’m sick,” he says as he breezes past the manager, and he makes it into his car and the three terrible miles to his shitty apartment before he lets the panic set in. 

He collapses onto his mattress and wraps his arms around his knees, choking on breath and tears. 

Ding. 

He’s always known it might come to this — Dean knowing the pathetic reality of him — and he always knew whatever they were doing couldn’t last. Eventually Dean would see through his excuses. Eventually he would meet someone like James: handsome, successful, confident. Someone that deserves Dean’s attention. 

But he hadn’t let himself think about what it would  _ feel  _ like. 

Ding. 

From far away, Cas thinks it’s absurd that he’s on a mattress on the floor in a serving apron smeared with gravy, smelling like bacon, shoes syrup-sticky on sheets, having a panic attack. It wasn’t ever supposed to go this far. 

Ding.

Cas is weak and picks up his phone. 

**Dean:** What the fuck, you just run away?! Are you insane?   
**Dean:** I’m showing up to your place if you don’t answer me   
**Dean:** I won’t even feel bad considering you stalked me on my Charlie date 

Cas’s hands shake. 

**Cas:** I’m sorry. I swear I didn’t know before I got the job. I thought you went to Kerby still.

**Dean:** Were you ever in Chicago? Or here the whole time? 

**Cas:** I’m sorry. 

**Dean:** Can I talk to you in person? 

**Cas:** Why? 

**Dean:** Please

Cas types in his address. 

**Dean:** 30 min 

 

Cas manages to get it together enough to pop a pill and take a rushed shower, scrubbing at his face and hoping his eyes aren’t too red. 

Dean looks grieving and grim at Cas’s paint-chipped door. “Hey,” he says. He sounds almost as bad as when his dad died. 

“Hi,” Cas says. 

“Even your fucking voice is different.” 

Cas lets him in without looking at him again. Dean stands in Cas’s living room, a tight fit even with only a single futon and small tv. 

“All right,” Dean says. “Your name isn’t James, you don’t go to school in Chicago, you work at a diner, and you look like —” Dean gestures vaguely down Cas’s body, and Cas flushes red with shame. “Who the fuck is James?” 

Cas clenches his fists until his nails bite into his palms. “The pictures are my brother.” 

“How old are you?” 

“22.” 

Dean groans and rubs his face. “Great.” 

“I’d never made friends with anyone on the internet before,” Cas says. “It wasn’t supposed to be — I didn’t think it would ever matter.” 

“Jesus,  _ why?”  _

Cas shrugs and blinks back tears. It would be better if Dean hit him. 

“Was anything real? Jesus, Ja— Cas. I seriously thought —” He cuts off, and Cas glances up to see him rubbing angrily at his eyes. “I thought we were going to  _ be together.  _ For real. For a long time. And I was a joke to you.” 

“You aren’t,” Cas says. “I swear. I was just too selfish to stop.” 

“Why, Cas? It’s one thing to play a character when everyone knows — but what the fuck is this RP inception?” 

“I look like this,” Cas says, gesturing at himself like Dean had. “I work at a diner. I live in a shitty apartment. No one ever thought I was interesting before. No one like you ever would.” 

Cas flinches when Dean reaches out and grabs his arm. “What the fuck is this?!” 

Cas looks down. He’d forgotten, of course, because the scars just blend into all the other things he hates about himself. But Dean’s staring in horror. 

Cas pulls his arm away from Dean. “Nothing.” 

“Nothing? Have you been doing this the whole time?” 

“Yes.” 

Dean takes a sharp breath, his mood instantly changing, and sits down on the futon with his head in his hands. “I didn’t know.” 

“I didn’t want you to.” 

Dean’s shoulders shake and he repeats, “I didn’t know. Maybe I could’ve — something.” 

Cas wants to sit next to him. Wrap his arms around him and hold him close. Know what he smells like, the softness of his hair. Cas hates himself, and he thinks about the Xacto in the box next to his bed. 

Dean looks up, and he’s still beautiful with tears streaked down his cheeks. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were hurting.” 

“It doesn’t matter.” 

Dean stares at him, then stands. Cas cringes again, but Dean throws his arms around Cas’s shoulders and pulls him into a bone-crushing hug. Cas can feel the wetness on Dean’s cheek against his neck. 

“Were you real?” Dean says, muffled. “The — you and me part, was that real?” 

“Yes,” Cas whispers. Dean smells like mint shampoo, his muscles hard and flexing under Cas’s hands. 

Dean pulls back and stares at Cas’s face, his hand still in Cas’s hair. “I’m so pissed at you.” 

Cas looks down. 

“But I’ve been wanting to touch you for — like, two years, and I’m so happy, but — goddammit, Ja— Cas. Goddammit.” 

Cas stops breathing. 

“If it was real, then — I’m gonna kiss you, ok?” 

“It was real,” Cas says. 

Dean kisses soft but needy, like he’s desperate for it, and it sweeps Cas away instantly. “God,” Dean whispers after, their foreheads pressed together. “You’re so fucking stupid, you’re so fucking gorgeous. You could’ve been Cas this whole time.” 

“You would never have taken a second look at me. You didn’t at the restaurant.” 

“Because I’m in love with — James-you. You think I go around looking at other people? Cuz I don’t, even when they’re as hot as you.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“I’m not leaving until you tell me the truth about everything.” 

Dean pulls Cas to the couch by the hands and sits next to him, not quite touching. Cas didn’t realize Dean has freckles or that his eyelashes are so long. Dean wipes his eyes again and gives Cas a watery smile. “You asshole, you made me cry.” 

“I swear, I didn’t want to hurt you.” 

Dean’s eyes rove slowly over Cas’s face again, and he smiles, just a little. “Am I dumb for believing you?” 

“You’re not dumb.” 

“I thought I knew everything about you, I guess.” 

“I’m allergic to dairy.” 

Dean raises his eyebrows. “Damn, seriously?” 

“Yes.” 

“So I’ll need to learn new recipes.” 

“To cook for me?” 

“Yeah,” Dean says. “Or did you lie about being a terrible cook?” 

“No, that’s true.” 

Dean turns to face Cas better, propping his head up with an elbow on the back of the couch. “All the geeky shit you know — obviously you actually know.” 

Cas flushes. Even as James, he couldn’t quite control that part of himself. “I’m a geek, unfortunately.” 

“You’re not getting an MBA?” 

“I took some classes at community college.” 

Dean smiles. “You’re just this smart on your own then.”

“I — maybe?” 

“If you’re 22, is it creepy that I’m into you? Am I too old for you?” 

Cas rolls his eyes. “You’ll need a walker and someone to change your diaper any day now.” 

Dean tosses his head back and laughs, and it’s breathtaking. Cas can’t believe he caused it. “That isn’t one of my kinks, and I really hope it’s not yours.” 

“No, that doesn’t interest me at all.” 

“Um,” Dean says, his fingers dancing along Cas’s shoulder, a barely-touch. “I wondered — are you ace?” 

“We’ve had phone sex,” Cas says, frowning. 

“Yeah, but you never really… I always felt like an asshole afterwards.” 

“I’m not ace,” Cas says, and then makes himself say, “I’m a virgin.” 

“Seriously?” Dean says, pulling his hand away.

Cas feels his cheeks heat. “That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you.” 

“Dude. Are you waiting for marriage or something?” 

“No.” 

“You talk less in person.” 

“I’m not sure what to say. I’m not very good at people.” 

“It’s just me. You’re good at me,” Dean says. “What else is different?” 

“I looked up the plot of Star Wars on Wikipedia.” 

Dean’s mouth falls open. “Are you kidding? Jesus, what about Indiana Jones?” 

“Ah,” Cas says. “Yes, that too.” 

“Holy shit,” Dean says. “What the fuck. Ok, Indy is on Amazon. Computer or tv?” 

Cas reaches towards the remote on the side table, but Dean leans over him to grab it instead, giving Cas a lovely vision of the dimples at the base of his back exposed by his t-shirt riding up. It’s absurd that earlier Cas was devastated, and now he’s licking his lips and staring. 

Dean catches him looking and blushes. Cas’s hands are numb, then flare alive when Dean settles back onto the couch, closer than before. “I’m still mad at you,” he says.

“Do you hate me?” 

“We could’ve been hanging out for real. I mean — did you not want to?” 

“I did. I do.” 

“Gay?” 

“Yes.” 

“Are you out?” 

“Oh, yes,” Cas says. “Not that it matters.” 

The intro to the movie starts, but Dean doesn’t let Cas watch, instead asking question after question, laughing with delight when Cas makes him answer them too. 

Cas is a little in awe when he realizes that he knows how to make Dean laugh, even in person. Dean understands his jokes. Dean is closer again, fingers stroking through the hair at the back of Cas’s neck. It would be easy to kiss him. 

The movie ends. “Oops,” Dean says. “Did you catch any of that?” 

“I think Harrison Ford was in it.” 

Dean grins, and Cas never imagined it would feel like this to be near him. “That’s a start.” 

James wouldn’t be afraid to kiss Dean, so Cas makes himself brave.

Dean makes a soft sound of surprise and then melts. James wouldn’t be unsure, so Cas just focuses on giving Dean the kiss James would. The kind of kiss that has Dean whimpering into Cas’s mouth, clenching his fingers in Cas’s hair. 

“Sweet boy,” Cas says, and is enchanted by the red spreading across Dean’s cheeks. 

“Don’t do that,” Dean says, and then they’re kissing again, tongues touching, slowly. Cas could do this with him for hours and never be tired of it. 

Dean pulls away first. “Sorry.” 

“For what?” Cas says. He runs the pad of his thumb over the high bone of Dean’s cheek, amazed to be feeling the actual warmth of him after so many daydreams. 

“Kissing you like that.” 

“You can kiss me any way you want.” 

“Oh yeah?” Dean says. 

Cas’s heart pounds. He doesn’t know what this is, Dean’s voice rough like he  _ wants.  _ Like he wants  _ Cas.  _ Cas settles for nodding and kissing Dean again, but they don’t get very far before Dean’s phone starts buzzing in his pocket. 

Dean groans in annoyance but pulls it out to answer. “Yeah?” 

“Are you still in one piece?” Cas can hear the tinny voice, and it must be Charlie. 

“Yup. We’re about to start Temple of Doom.” Charlie shrieks, and Dean pulls the phone away from his ear. “Jesus, woman. Keep it down.” 

“Approximately how many heads are in his freezer?” 

“Haven’t looked yet,” Dean says, winking at Cas. Somehow he pulls it off. “Probably an appropriate amount.” 

“No heads or body parts of any kind,” Cas says, and Dean laughs. 

“I’m alive, but I’m busy,” Dean says. “I’ll talk to you later.” 

Charlie is yelling something when Dean ends the call, but he tosses his phone to the side and starts the second movie. 

Cas thinks Harrison Ford might be in Temple of Doom, too. 

 

**Dean:** Good morning baby

**Cas:** Hi :) 

**Dean:** I’m still pissed at you. But I’m fucking giddy like a school girl bc I got to SEE you  
**Dean:** Or are we still broken up? 

**Cas:** I didn’t “break up” with you. 

**Dean:** Dude do I get to see you again? 

**Cas:** Of course, if you want to. 

**Dean:** Is there an evening we could hang out this week?

Cas rarely works at night, but he thinks it might be pathetic to say  _ tonight.  _

**Cas:** Wednesday. I believe you said I get to make you watch something. 

**Dean:** Not if it’s bad   
**Dean:** What do you think about salmon? 

**Cas:** It’s cool that they return to the place they were born to reproduce. 

**Dean:** You’re so sexy when you talk about fish reproduction. How about eating them

**Cas:** This better mean you’re making me salmon.

**Dean:** And a potato thing. Are you old enough to buy beer? 

**Cas:** Fuck you. 

**Dean:** ;)

 

Cas stops living with the thrum of being found out under his skin. It’s harder to talk to Dean in some ways, without the shield of James in front of him, but it’s easier in other ways. He doesn’t have to remember his lines. He’s too emotionally exhausted to worry if Dean won’t like him as much as James. 

It’s not like he has a lot of options in the wardrobe department, but Cas still stands in front of his closet in his underwear for a long time before deciding on a grey-purple henley and his best jeans. 

Dressed, he spends a long time in front of the mirror too, staring at himself. He’s less gangly than he used to be, but his face is still his face. He doesn’t know what Dean might see. 

**Cas:** Omw

**Dean:** Shit ok I’m ready

Dean answers the door blushing and dressed far nicer than Cas. 

“Hello, Dean,” Cas says, smiling. 

“Hey,” Dean says, and he darts forward to give Cas a quick kiss, pulling the six-pack out of his hand at the same time. “You used your fake ID to get beer.” 

Cas scowls, and Dean laughs like Cas’s irritation is a victory. “I was about to say that dinner smells delicious,” Cas says, “but considering you insulted me as soon as I walked in the door, I’ll keep it to myself.” 

“Aw, baby,” Dean says, stepping close again and nuzzing against Cas’s cheek. Cas’s whole body goes cold, and then hot and tingly, at the nearness of him. Cas has never been touched so easily, so intimately. “Forgive me?” 

“Done.” 

Cas returns Dean’s grin. “Damn, you have a great smile,” Dean says, then turns quick enough that he doesn’t see Cas’s blush, pulling him towards the kitchen by the hand. 

Dean’s house is neat, nice, and the kitchen is better than Cas expected. “Sorry, it’s kind of a mess,” Dean says, which is ridiculous. 

“You saw my place, Dean.” 

Dean laughs as he puts the beer in the fridge. “Well, I already knew you’re a mess.” 

“You’re insulting me again,” Cas says, forcing himself to have the courage to step into Dean’s space. “Maybe I’ll leave.” 

“You won’t,” Dean says. “You love me.” 

Cas stares. “I’ve never said that.” 

“Oh,” Dean says, looking away and shuffling backwards. “Right.” 

“I couldn’t as someone else. It was — I couldn’t. But I do. I do love you.” 

Dean’s eyes fly to Cas’s and he’s so surprised, even though he’s the one who said it first. “Cool,” Dean says, which is a ridiculous and Dean-like response that makes Cas laugh. “Me too.” 

“Good,” Cas says. He manages to keep his voice even despite his heart threatening to pound out of his chest. 

“You know you really freak me out when you do that stoic thing,” Dean says. “I’m not sure how to read you sometimes.” 

Cas isn’t sure how to say that it’s as much of a fraud as James is. He knows what people think of him, and he’s learned to hide himself. 

“I’ll figure it out,” Dean says, then turns to the stove to fiddle with the potatoes. 

Cas presses against his back, slides his hands around his hips. His fingers catch on Dean’s shirt and he feels the smooth warmth of his skin. “What was your low today?” Cas says. This is a game they’ve played for a long time. 

Dean smiles over his shoulder. “Burned the hell out of myself right before you got here. You?” 

Cas bites his lip before saying, “The all-day part where I thought you would change your mind. And the high is now.” 

“I was kinda nervous too,” Dean says, “which is why this is also my high.” 

The oven timer goes off. Cas thinks it’ll break the spell of whatever moment they just had, touching and familiar, but the feeling stays all through dinner and well into Cas’s movie pick, Dean holding him close and complaining through most of it. 

 

**Dean:** That movie sucked so I have to think of something you’ll really hate for next time. Or we could go out? What kind of stuff do you like to do? 

People will see Cas next to Dean and won’t even consider they could be on a date, because Dean is a bright sun anywhere he goes and Cas is too tarnished to even reflect his light. 

**Cas:** Tbh I don’t go out much. 

**Dean:** Tbh neither do I. There’s a board game bar I’ve been wanting to check out though 

**Cas:** When? 

**Dean:** Tonight? 

 

The waitress flirts at first, and Dean is just as effortlessly charming as he is with everyone, but it’s the same way he was with Cas before he realized who Cas was. Like there’s someone else he’d rather look at. And she must see their ankles hooked together under the table, because she lets it go by the time their food arrives.

Cas wins — three times. Dean switches to Coke after his first beer. They never talked explicitly about Dean’s alcoholism, but Cas noticed when Dean stopped talking about bars and hangovers. He doesn’t know how to tell Dean how proud he is to know him. 

 

Cas realizes he doesn’t have to be afraid when he needs to hear Dean’s voice. 

**Cas:** Can I call you when I get home? 

**Dean:** Yeah of course. Is something wrong or? 

**Cas:** Not at all. 

**Dean:** K, I’ll be waiting :) 

It was a busy day for both of them so only a couple texts sent back and forth, but Cas thought about nothing but Dean while mindlessly jotting down orders, standing at the soda fountain, ignoring Meg’s interrogations and jabs. Worrying. Cas isn’t quite convinced — not every moment — that Dean’s not seeing him as part of some well-deserved revenge scheme. 

Dean sounds soft and Cas can imagine him sleep-mussed in his bed. “Did I wake you?” 

“Nah, just reading. Low today?” 

Cas smiles. “Waking up at four. The high —” Cas takes a deep breath. “The high is hearing your voice.”

“Can I tell you something?” Dean says, and then forges on. “The pictures you sent never really seemed right to me. I’m sure your brother’s great, but he kind of looks like an arrogant prick in his pictures. But you’re sweet.” 

“I’m not sweet,” Cas says. 

“Hey, I know you’re exhausted and whatever, but would you mind if — I dunno. I could come over and just sleep with you. The actual sleeping kind.” 

“I have to get up at four again.” 

“Don’t care.” 

“Come over.” 

 

Dean shows up in sweatpants and a faded t-shirt. He’s wearing fuzzy slippers, which Cas can’t stop laughing about, even when Dean tries to shut him up with a kiss. 

“You look dead on your feet,” Dean says. “Let’s put you to bed.” 

Dean leads down the hall, then throws himself down on Cas’s mattress without hesitation. Cas follows him under the blankets, but before he can steal a kiss, Dean flips to face away from him. “I’m little spoon,” he says, pulling Cas’s arm around him. 

Cas hasn’t done this before, not counting the puppy piles of childhood with too many siblings, but it’s shockingly intimate, pressed together all down their bodies, even their legs tangled. Dean reaches to turn out the lamp. There’s too much light from the parking lot still — Cas keeps meaning to get blackout curtains but hasn’t.

“Cas?” Dean says into the half-dark. He slides his hand up Cas’s arm to the bandage just below his elbow. Cas forgot to change shirts to something with sleeves. “Is this new?” 

Cas tries to pull his arm away but Dean won’t let him, weaving their fingers together and holding Cas’s hand against his stomach. 

“It’s ok,” Dean says. “Love you.” 

Cas was only half-conscious when Dean walked in, desperate for the warmth of his bed, the warmth of Dean, but now he lays awake past when Dean’s already breathing deep with sleep. 

 

Cas’s alarm goes off, and he reaches over Dean to silence it. Dean immediately tucks back to his side, draped over Cas’s chest, and Cas has never wanted to get up at four a.m. less than he does now. 

“I need to get up,” Cas whispers, and Dean groans. “You can sleep if you want. I think I have an extra key.” 

“K,” Dean says, and sleepily kisses Cas’s cheek before rolling over and snuggling back into the blankets. 

Cas is rubbing his legs dry when he realizes that Dean has never actually seen him shirtless. There’s nothing to hide there, but he’s still not sure how he feels about it.

It doesn’t matter, because Dean is fast asleep. Cas tries to be as quick and quiet as he can, though every movement feels booming loud. There’s an extra key in a kitchen drawer, and he sets it on top of Dean’s phone next to the mattress. 

 

Dean and Charlie show up at their usual time and snag their preferred table — only because Cas had been holding it for them — but Cas sends Kevin to serve them while Cas hides in the kitchen. 

His phone buzzes. 

**Dean:** I know you’re hiding   
**Dean:** Come say hi you dork 

**Cas:** What is the likelihood that Charlie will murder me? 

**Dean:** Low

Cas approaches the table with their drinks and his eyes cast downwards. 

“Hey, baby,” Dean says, but Cas looks at Charlie first. She’s smiling and raises her hand to fist-bump when Cas has set down her juice. 

“Hi,” Cas says. 

“What’s the likelihood of you sitting down with us for a few?” Dean says. 

“Low. It’s busy.” 

Dean laughs, and Cas smiles in return. “Get to work then. The usual for us.” 

As soon as Cas walks away, Charlie starts whispering. Cas can’t make out the words and his heart clenches afraid, but by the time he brings out their food, Dean and Charlie are teasing each other at their usual volume. 

When Cas takes Dean’s card and goes back to the kitchen to run it, Dean chases him back there. “You can’t —” Cas starts, but Dean darts forward and kisses him. 

It’s quick, but Meg cheers, and Cas stands with his fingertips pressed to his lips even after Dean has gone back to his table. 

 

**Dean:** You wanna come over? 

**Cas:** Yes! Let me shower first. 

**Dean:** You wanna bring your toothbrush?    
**Dean:** And your pills   
**Dean:** Shit I didn’t snoop, just saw on your table   
**Dean:** Maybe you don’t need them 

**Cas:** I should’ve known you would look through all my stuff if you weren’t supervised. ;) 

**Dean:** Now that I’ve made myself sound like an idiot creep, has the “bring your toothbrush” ship sailed? 

**Cas:** Nope. See you in a bit. 

 

They drink beer and play Pandemic way too late, then kiss slow and soft for a long time in Dean’s bed. 

“So,” Dean says, quiet and still so close that Cas can feel his breath. “I’m kind of an idiot, because — I don’t know, I thought I could seduce you tonight. But you’re either ignoring me so you don’t hurt my feelings, or you just haven’t noticed, so I guess I have to ask.” 

Cas blinks. He had almost decided Dean wasn’t even attracted to him like that, despite his apparent interest in a romantic relationship. “You were seducing me?” 

Dean flushes. “Not well, I guess.” 

“You want to have sex? With me?” 

“I’ve been trying not to pressure you. Since you haven’t before.” 

Cas looks down, staring at the hollow of Dean’s throat. “I want to. I think about you all the time.” 

“Yeah? You think about me when you’re jerking off?” 

“Often.” 

Dean smiles and kisses Cas, deeper now, pressing closer. “Can I suck your cock?” 

“Yes,” Cas says, trying his best to keep his voice even. 

Dean grins and Cas kisses the smile off his mouth. Cas runs his hand slowly down Dean’s back, thrilling in the hard muscle and warm skin he can feel even through his t-shirt, then back up underneath. It seems ridiculous that Cas has never touched him like this, has never watched Dean sit up enough to pull his shirt off before going back to Cas’s mouth. 

“Wait,” Cas says, and Dean backs off immediately, hands raised. “I want to look at you.” 

Dean laughs and then blushes a lovely shade of pink as Cas slowly takes him in. Cas reaches out to press his hand against Dean’s chest, feeling the bump of his heartbeat against his palm. He slides his hand down until he’s running his fingertips along the top of Dean’s sweatpants, and Dean’s breath catches. 

“Can I take off yours too?” Dean says. Cas hesitates and Dean rushes to say, “That’s totally cool. Pants?” 

“No, it’s…” Cas sits up and rips his long-sleeved henley off. Like a band-aid. “It’s ok.” 

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous,” Dean says, leaning down to kiss down Cas’s throat without pause. The light is dim and soft, but Cas still expected Dean to stare at his arms first. “Can I tell you I love you? Because I — I really do.” 

“Me too,” Cas whispers, though it’s hard to think with Dean’s mouth moving down his chest, wet kisses and gentle nips that have Cas clenching his fingers in Dean’s hair and gasping. 

Cas is reduced to pathetic whimpers, shifting restlessly underneath Dean, by the time he makes it below Cas’s belly button and to the top of his pants. Dean hooks his fingers in the waistband and starts to tug. Cas lifts his hips to help and says, “I have scars on my legs too.” 

Dean glances up at him, then back to watch as Cas’s cock is revealed, hard and needy. His pants go to the floor, and then Cas is running his hands up Cas’s thighs to squeeze his hips. 

“God, look at you,” Dean says, pressing a gentle kiss to the head of Cas’s cock. It’s not what he expected and it’s strangely sweet, Dean’s smile and the softness of his mouth. 

Cas is vibrating with anticipation, but Dean presses kisses to his hip, the top of his thighs instead. “Dammit, Dean,” Cas says, and Dean laughs, looking up at Cas with eyes full of joy. 

“Someone’s impatient,” Dean says. 

For a moment Cas is afraid Dean’s going to keep taunting him, but he takes mercy and wraps his lips around Cas’s cock. “Oh,” Cas breathes, fumbling for one of Dean’s hands. 

Dean hums encouragingly, weaving their fingers together and squeezing as he takes more of Cas into his mouth. Cas likes touching himself just as much as anyone else does, but maybe just because he couldn’t fully imagine what the hot-wet of Dean’s tongue would feel like. Cas can’t breathe, can’t move except to hold Dean’s hand white-knuckled tight and bite his lip. 

Once Cas’s cock is slick with spit, Dean backs off to suck at just the head of Cas’s cock, tongue rubbing in a way that makes Cas’s heart roar back to life in overdrive. “Dean,” Cas says, urgently, tugging at Dean’s hand. “I’m — I’m —” 

Orgasms alone — even with Dean breathing in his ear through a phone — aren’t anything like this. Cas’s toes literally curl as he comes into the back of Dean’s throat. 

Cas wishes he could see what Dean looks like while he has Cas’s cock in his mouth, but he isn’t able to force his eyes open until Dean disentangles their fingers and lays next to him. 

“I think you broke my fingers,” Dean says, smiling easily, and Cas can’t do anything but smile back. “Did I do ok for your first time?” 

“It was very pleasant.” 

“‘Very pleasant’?!” Dean laughs and laughs, hugging Cas close. “No need for me to do it again with an attitude like that.” 

Cas kisses him, welcomes Dean’s tongue against his. He tastes bitter, but it’s not too bad, especially when Cas is the one that made him taste that way. 

Cas runs his hand down Dean’s body and slides it into Dean’s sweatpants, wrapping his fingers around his cock with more confidence than he feels. “Can I…?” 

“Whatever you mean, the answer is probably yes.” 

Cas strokes Dean’s cock a few times, swiping his fingers through the wetness at the tip. “Good,” Cas says. “My fursuit is in the trunk.” 

“Jesus Christ, Cas, don’t make me associate you touching my dick with furries.” 

“We’ll discuss fursonas later.” Cas tugs at Dean’s pants to free his cock, squeezes him tighter. “Is this ok?” 

“Perfect,” Dean says, pulling Cas in to kiss him open-mouthed and panting. “Fuck, that — feels good. A little tighter, just — oh fuck, fuck.” 

Dean breaks the kiss and his eyes flutter closed when he comes hot over Cas’s fist and his own stomach. Cas looks down to take in the sight of Dean heaving for breath, striped white. Dean nuzzles into Cas’s cheek and kisses the corner of his mouth, then rolls away. 

“Hold tight,” Dean says. 

Cas lays on his back and stares at the ceiling while he waits. He doesn’t entirely believe that this is his life now: in a deliciously plush bed, just done fucking his devastatingly gorgeous boyfriend.

Dean comes back cleaned up and wipes Cas’s hand with a washrag. “I feel like it could take you awhile to move.” 

“Yes, most likely.” 

Dean climbs back in bed and pulls the covers over them, snuggling against Cas with his head on his shoulder. Cas feels floating-good with his arm around Dean, naked and warm everywhere they’re touching. 

“I have a complaint,” Dean says, but doesn’t give Cas quite enough time to panic about it before continuing, “I can’t believe you talked about furries the first time we had sex.” 

Cas bursts into laughter, flailing away from Dean and hiding his head under a pillow. Dean just follows him, draping an arm and leg over his back and saying through the pillow, “The good news is that we can strike it from the record and try again.”

Cas peeks out at him. “I’m fine with that.” 

“As long as you promise me it won’t come up.” 

“You said you would do anything I want.” 

“Whatever. Get out here, I’m trying to do a bliss thing.” 

Cas rights himself and Dean’s back in his arms immediately. There’s a long lull, just breathing and touching. Eventually Cas tips Dean’s chin up and gives him a gentle kiss. “Good night, sweetheart.” 

“‘Night, baby,” Dean says. 

 

Cas wakes up first. He lays there watching Dean, his face young and soft in sleep, as long as he can before he has to climb out for the bathroom. 

He hasn’t been in Dean’s en suite before. Dean’s neat, but the bathroom is bleached clean in a way that makes it obvious Dean spent some time scrubbing before inviting Cas to stay. His towels are mismatched, and Cas can imagine Dean bickering with Charlie as he chose his navy gradient shower curtain. 

Cas stares at himself, nude, in Dean’s mirror. In the glaring light, his scars stand out in stark contrast to his unblemished skin. So much of him is permanently ugly now. All the Mederma in the world won’t fix this. 

Dean is hugging Cas’s pillow but still breathing deep when Cas comes back into the bedroom, so Cas has a chance to pull on his clothes before tucking back under the covers with him. 

Dean mumbles something and curls under Cas’s chin. Dean feels lovely under Cas’s hands, slowly mapping him out with his fingertips while Dean shifts towards waking. Dean hugs him tight and says, muffled into Cas’s neck, “I was having this great dream where you were all naked in my bed when I woke up.” 

“Good morning,” Cas says. 

“Mmhmm.” 

“Can I ask you something?” 

“Mmhmm.” 

“Why are you still talking to me?” 

“We’ve done a little more than talk,” Dean says. Cas can feel his smile. 

“Why did you keep talking to me? When you found out.” 

Dean sits up on an elbow, smiling down at Cas. “Because I’m stupid about you. And — even if you weren’t hot as hell, I don’t care what you look like.” 

“I lied about everything.” 

“You lied about a lot of stuff,” Dean says. “But it’s not like I was into you because you went to a good college, either. The  _ you  _ part wasn’t a lie.” He leans down to give Cas a quick kiss. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m still pissed. Just not enough to override how much I want to be lovin’ on you.” 

“I’m sorry,” Cas says. “It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done.” 

Dean cradles Cas’s jaw in his hand, thumb gently running over his bottom lip. “I guess it’s lucky I’m going to forgive you.” 

“Going to?” 

“Going to, yeah,” Dean says. “Not quite yet.” 

“That’s fair.” 

Dean lays back down, walking his fingers across Cas’s chest. 

“I didn’t want you to see my scars again,” Cas says, before Dean can ask. If Dean can be brave for him, he’ll try to be brave for Dean. “If you were wondering.” 

“That’s cool if you’re more comfortable, but I think all of you is beautiful and if it were up to me you would never wear clothes again.”

“Only if you stay join me in this nudist utopia.” 

“Deal.” Dean squeezes Cas, then rolls out of bed. “Be naked when I get back. We’re making breakfast.” 

 

**Dean:** Are you going to be mad when I get a boner around your brother? 

**Cas:** ....What?

**Dean:** It’s not my fault I jerked off to his face for 2 years 

**Cas:** I would’ve thought I’d fucked that memory out of you by now.    
**Cas:** My family is full of assholes. My mother will hate you or like you way too much, and either way you’re going to feel awkward enough to stave off any erections. 

**Dean:** That was a lot of words to say “Mom’s a cockblock” 

**Cas:** My mother is a cockblock. 

**Dean:** Awesome   
**Dean:** Love you, headed home in a minute 

Someday Cas will stop screenshotting every time Dean puts it in writing, but today is not that day. 

**Cas:** Love you more. See you soon. 

**Author's Note:**

> out into the cool of the evening  
> strolls the pretender  
> he knows that all his hopes and dreams  
> begin and end there  
> [(jackson browne, the pretender)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqRvJLH_-vU)
> 
>  [tumblr: reallyelegantsharkfish](http://reallyelegantsharkfish.tumblr.com)
> 
> [pillowfort: sharkfish](https://www.pillowfort.io/sharkfish)
> 
> gmail: reallyelegantsharkfish 
> 
> i'm pretty bad at replying to comments, but it's a mental/emotional energy thing, not a lack of love! <3


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